自從你那天跟我分享你心裡的話到今天,已經將近一個多禮拜了. 我很清楚你現在不想看到我或聽到我的聲音 甚至讀我寫的字.. 但是沒關係 因為我知道這都是我的錯. 

 

你現在可以選擇不讀這個..我一點也不會怪你. 但是我一直禱告..希望你會安下心來讀..也希望你會從這當中看見我的真心.  

 

我知道我做的一些愚蠢的決定..讓你受傷. 我承認我很自私. 我現在真的是充滿愧疚..一直問我自己  為甚麼沒有早一點做決定？早一點行動？ 

 

我一直怪我自己給你帶來那麼多傷痛.. 沒有學會跟你好好的溝通也是我的錯. 

我真的不知道怎麼用字來形容這段時間你對我有多麼的好..帶給了我多少的快樂與歡笑. 我真的很感恩..謝謝你, 真的謝謝你讓我這幾年過的這麼愉快. 

 

你有可能會跟自己說  “我浪費太多時間在她身上. 這個女生真的不值得. 她先說要在一起  又突然切斷..一下這樣 一下那樣.. 我所做的一切真的都是浪費時間嗎?”

 

如果你是這樣想 我懂..也接受. 因為這都是我自找的.. 你生氣是應該的. 

 

光榮, 我從來都沒有想要你覺得你在我身上所付出的都是浪費時間. 在你身上我看見神極大的祝福. 是你讓我生命更美麗. 神賜給你一個僕人的心, 在你身上我感覺得到. 每當我想到神在你生命中美好的安排我都會面帶微笑. 只要你願意, 耶穌會在你生命裡做奇妙的工作. 很坦白講, 其實我相信以後在神預定對的時間裡, 我們會有機會再在一起. 

 

對於我來說 你是最好的男生. 最最最好的！跟英雄沒有甚麼兩樣. 你在我人生中有很大的影響力..是我永遠都不會忘記的. 

 

我想讓你知道我對你的感情還是很深. 我還是非常非常的在乎你. 你不知道這幾個禮拜沒有聽到你的聲音有多難受..每天我都會重複的想, “他還會想我嗎？” 

 

我每天都會抱著期望希望你有一天會想要再跟我說話..我真的很笨也很自私.. 讓你這麼難受還在希望你的原諒… 

你應該已經很厭煩我一直跟你道歉..但是你要知道這就是我的心情 

 

我真的真的不希望你覺得你在我身上所付出的都是浪費時間. 對我來說你做的每一件事都在我生命裡留下美好的痕跡. 

 

你真的很特別..也是我心中很大也很重要的一部份. 請你一定要保重..

 

我想你. 

So September 11 has come back to haunt us?
Kinda funny how it happens...
and not so much, perhaps.

Mrs. McCauley will be gone from Beacon come next month...

Yes, we'll miss her a lot...
Guess it's time to step up in leadership.

Yeah, Acceptance.
The band that broke up and broke Jerome's and my hearts because of that.
Occasionally...and even more recently...I can even understand where some of the meanings of their songs come from.
I guess the more stuff- crap that you encounter in life, the more song lyrics you can relate to.
Everyone knows that.
But Acceptance.
One of their songs particularly stands out to me.
Take Cover.
If you're curious how the song goes, look up the lyrics or download it wherever.
Heh, it's a beautiful song. Every time I listen to it, a piece of my peace is cut out of me and thrown on the ground, because I realize this song may very much apply to me.
Of course, I'm not surprised. Jerome applied the song to me once...
A day comes. Tomorrow, in fact... That I will find difficult to remember. Not because of my terrible memory.
More like because I want to keep it in my memory and yet toss it out with the rest of my peace, at the same time.
Oh, Acceptance.
Acceptance. But this word is significant, not only because it's a band that I really liked.
It signifies suffering, it signifies forebearance.
It stands for something I've never really had but always prayed the Serenity Prayer for.
Yet I know it now.
I understand that things that were, are not.
I realize that things that were, cannot be.
For trusting you, God...I know it now.
If I have acceptance, I will submit to my future and let go of my past.
So now.
Because of help I receive daily from Above...
I can only press on, move forward, hope and pray that what I will catch what I pursue-
Acceptance.

Why do I feel so much older, so weary?
Left to deal with all this debris when I know I am perfectly free to give it all up to God.
I can't take this on my own hands anymore.

Heh, I realize now that this is how I receive all my stray white hairs.







I need forgiveness.
I need redemption.
I need You. But why does it feel like I don't have You?

Maybe it's just the actuality that I'm listening to depressing/nostalgic music that I feel like this right now, but jeez...it's definitely not the greatest feeling in the world. I can be optimistic and say that it's definitely not the worse feeling in the world too.

I know that in the past there have been some pretty bad mistakes that I've made. That I haven't been able and might not ever be able to fix. I wish that it was as easy for us to forgive as it is for God, but since we're not Him...it's difficult. For what I know I've done to so many others, there is every centimeter of guilt penetrating me. I want them to know I'm sorry, and that's all I've ever been since. I don't know what I can do next, and all I CAN do is pray. I feel like what has gone down so far is past repairing; whatever hurt or pain that I caused isn't in my power to mend anymore. It really is hard to go on now that I can't go back on what I've concluded. No. Maybe I'm used to being forgiven and spoiled like that and now there's issues that I can't handle. But to every cloudy situation there's a silver lining...I just haven't really figured out what it is yet.

I am truly, genuinely sorry...and because that's the only thing I can be, I am helpless. Waiting on the Lord to move is driving me insane; He knows I drown in impatience! I feel like I've suffered enough...I still seriously care for you, miss you...still count you as one of those who are closest to me...I wish I could be able to go to you and talk to you...I wish I could talk to you and be a vent like I used to, to help make things more bearable. But how can I do that when I'm the one who caused everything...I don't know whether you're over everything or not, whether you've vowed never to look at me, direct words to me, or erased me from your world...it's okay...I don't have to be part of it. That privilege is past...but I'm waiting, praying that whatever pain I've flooded you with to die out. As long as you don't hurt anymore, that's really the important thing.

I'm sorry.